Obsession, Love, and Obsession & Love, and Obsession & Love

It is a day, similar to most days in almost all respects. I assume that the sun came up today. I assume that it is also set. Perhaps the wind blew and there was a crisp to the air and perhaps there were little distracting things like owls and traffic and the crunch of snow and something to paint or clean or eat.

I assume many of those things happened. There was more than just weather, and cycles, and traffic, and owls. There were charming conversations and laundry and breathing treatments and worry about test results that aren't even mine. It was, altogether, I assume, a rather pleasant day. It certainly looked that way from the outside.

I am making all of these assumptions because I have surely gone mad. I can only think about him. He has possessed my thoughts and I have become a demon (I recognize that the saying is backward). It is akin to a craving, an itch, a spot on a dish. It is like a scent that you thought you would smell but no longer can.

Opinion of Alice: Perhaps a hobby might do you good. I'm not one to complain too much about an obsession, having experienced one or two in my life. It is my expert opinion that they might be the most natural of experiences.

Truthfully, it is my fault he is not here. I did ask him to move out. It had not been going well and the fights were nearly constant, and I yelled, and he yelled (I yelled more), and I cried, and I didn't always want him to comfort me. I wanted to be heard and understood and I felt I was slamming my head against a wall.

Now, I would give my left arm just to be able to slam my head against the wall again. Or to have sex with the wall. Or cuddle with the wall. Or be near the wall. Anything as long as the wall was here.

Alice: It is not a good practice to hit heads against walls. This reminds of that silly egg that sat on a wall and all the kings men then had quite a problem. What sense does an egg have getting on a wall in the first place?

This is the struggle right now. Let's hypothesize that I could listen non-defensively to everything he says. And let's also say that he listened non-defensively to everything I had to say. Would we be able to be friends? What would it mean? Would I have processed everything and the obsession would go away?

Alice: A spot of tea, a nice walk, meet a cat, a queen, find a deck of cards. Not everything needs to be talked out. Living processes more than dwelling.

Let's process and figure all of this out. By the end of this, I will either have run out of the ability to be obsessive or I will be in the same insane boat as I was in before.

Alice: I do not believe you are listening. Am I behind the looking glass? I can see you but you can't see me nor hear me? I am surely the one going mad. Let's get this over with. If I can't stand in then I will simply shrink and join the door mouse for a nap in the tea pot.

B****, I feel like you would be hyper-present for a while and then disappear. I felt like you got to the point in which you would come home for dinner and on the nights I had the kids, you would eat with us, and then you would go outside and smoke and read and listen to podcasts or meditate. I missed you during these times and I didn't understand if it was permanent or temporary. I felt like you wanted to only be superficially a part of our lives. It wasn't even about how much help I had. It was that I wanted you there. I wanted you to want to wake up with us, spend time with us, and say, "I love you. Have a good day." I know that you took the twins to school on Wednesdays but I missed you the other days.

I tried to bring up that you seemed distant several times but it always led to a fight about how I don't appreciate you, about how I treat you terribly, about how we can have a conversation about this but only when I can point out what I appreciate first, say what I am worried about, and then say what I appreciate again. By the time we got to the point of doing this, I was so afraid about how it would go, that I remained in protective mode and said as little as possible.

Alice: I am not the one that tends to listen to long diatribes without getting a bit distracted. What I heard was you whining, "pay attention to me, I love you, blah, blah blah, come closer, you didn't so now I'm not going to come closer either, so ha."

When things got stressful between us, the man you thought I wanted to sleep with was brought up. I realize that you felt like I had an emotional affair with him. I did not feel that way and the couple of times that I met up with him I was open and upfront about where I was going and who was supposed to be there; the only night I wasn't was when I met Wendy and decided to introduce them thinking that they might have fun together. You told me every time that it was fine and said that the main reason you brought it up was because you didn't feel like I realized that I was putting myself in an unsafe situation. Later, you told me that the reason you were suspicious of my friendship with him, was because you were hiding something from me.

Alice: A decent woman should never be in the presence of a man alone. That is what I have been taught. Do I believe that? Am I calling you an indescent woman? A stressful situation brings up past stressful situations.

What would the queen say? She would surely say off with your head, and his head, and whoever this man was. That reaction seems extreme. What would I say? If someone thinks a thing, it is theirs to think. I do wonder if all this thinking and talking is the problem.

Then I met up with Isaac.

Alice: Wait, there is another man?

You said it was all good and to have fun. When Isaac and I met for a second time, I thought I had told you about it, but you said I didn't until 30 minutes before I left. My memory is that you got home from work at 5:30, I was in my office and you came and talked to me about what my plans were. I said I was meeting Isaac and that I wanted to talk to you about it because I was worried about the jealousy thing coming up again. We talked for an hour and a half and you left to get a beer and I left to meet Isaac. The next morning, you had gotten home at 2:30 am, you were sleeping on the living room floor and you said, "You expect me to be thrilled that you're going out with ex-boyfriends." I said I was not doing that conversation then and went to take a shower. You followed me to the shower and told me that "you needed space until I could start treating you like I wanted to spend time with you." I left the house as fast as I could to avoid a fight. I silenced my notifications. You sent many long texts throughout the day. You made a decision that you needed me to not hang out with any ex-boyfriends until our relationship was doing good.

Alice: Everyone has a memory of different things and all the stories are either real or made up or both. Let me translate the story: he likes you and he thinks that you don't like him when you go out with other people. One question, is the tea coming? It is getting rather close to that time.

I was hurt because you said one thing and then attacked me the next morning. I was hurt because I felt like you had essentially said the relationship was over unless I could treat you like I wanted to see you. I felt like we had been fighting a lot but I had said that I was trying, that it was awkward but that it was going to get better. I spent that day devastated because I felt like I was going to lose you, lose a friend that I had reconnected with, and that I should not hang out with anyone who could be a love interest until you felt our relationship was in a good spot (trickier because I'm bisexual so that would mean men and women).

It also hurt that you had a conversation with your counselor but not with me. You did not tell me when I got home from work that night, "Hey, I'm sorry, I was still drunk this morning and I don't know what all I said but that was inappropriate." Instead, you asked me if I was going to dinner Sunday as if nothing had happened. The last thing you told me was that you wanted space. Didn't you essentially say you needed a relationship break? Now you are asking about family dinner? Where was the, "Oh my gosh, I'm so happy you came home. I do not need a relationship break. I was rude this morning. I didn't realize that you seeing an ex was going to affect me that much and I should not have put all of that on you. Can we talk about this?" Talking and making decisions is something I thought we were supposed to do together.

Alice: One, where is the tea. Two, is there a two? As a girl that is incredibly sure of herself, gets bored easily, and can fall head over heels into a story I can tell you that he likes you. You like him. He has to be sure you like him otherwise he does strange things. You don't understand that so you don't show him that you like him in a way that he understands.

Then you fight only because he doesn't think you like him and you don't think he likes you. One of you should should just go put on the Queens crown because you are both acting like spoiled royaly.

Am I crazy?

Alice: You are quite dull, opinionated, and difficult.

October was spectacularly good. New York was joyous and the food, concert, play, walking around, and Central Park was like a dream.

September we fought about that I wasn't feeling sexual and not knowing how long that was going to last and you told me that sex is spiritual and that you weren't sure you wanted to be in a relationship that didn't involve sex. That was painful. We had been fighting nearly constantly and I felt abandoned. I figured it out. I decided that I could make it happen. I worked on getting the sexual at least part online so that I didn't lose our relationship. My value beyond the sexual landscape was diminished even if it wasn't meant that way.

I have yelled to be heard which was a mistake. I have pushed you around. I held you back when you said you were going to leave me. All of that was wrong. It was inappropriate for me to do all of those things and there is no excuse for not physically controlling myself. I have also slept at my office because there was no other way to avoid an argument. I have driven to the mountain multiple times and stayed in the tent trailer.

I feel like at the end of an argument, I am the one apologizing. Apologizing for yelling. Apologizing for how I brought something up. Saying that I will try to say it differently next time. That I will try harder to understand where you are coming from next time. To understand that you are willing to talk about household responsibilities, the amount of money you contribute, how to handle conversations with the kids, a feeling that you are not spending as much time with us, or if my feelings are hurt, as long as I can bring it up in the way that you are looking for.

Alice: Adults are silly. There are good times, and during those times, have fun and be silly and paint flowers red. There are bad times, and it is okay to cry until you manage to shrink to a reasonable size.

I wish he could see my side of things - not that it was going to change his opinion of me. He could still think that I've had multiple emotional affairs, that I slept with T****, that I treat him like garbage, that I don't do things to show I care, that I don't take responsibility, that I am going to blame him for my depression, that I have not been supportive, that I don't co-parent with him, that I don't acknowledge the ways that he tries, that he is going to have to apologize even though he didn't do anything wrong, that I don't use the tools that were supposed to help us, that I start arguments so that I can break up with him, that I won't talk to him about the things he wants to talk about, that he has chosen to neglect himself and is hurting himself, that he loves life less, that things have felt unfair, that he has wanted to say goodbye, and that his needs are on the back burner.

I don't know. It is hard to separate everything when there has been one argument after another after another. I used to be so good at handling a stressful situation. I could tell when I needed space and when I needed to wind down.

I am lost. He has told me that he will be able to hear me when I talk from my adult self, not my child self. He has told me that he can't hear what I'm saying when I am looking at him with spite. He has told me that he can't talk to me when I am being defensive. He has told me that he can't hear me when I don't say what I appreciate before I say what I would like changed. He has told me that he would rather be with someone who can speak without caution than with someone who feels like she has to be cautious. He told me that he had seen my soul and that he wants me to chase my childhood dreams. He has told me that I don't pay attention when he is not interested in a conversation and keep talking anyway.

Alice: I have done that one. It is hard to pay attention to how everyone looks all the time. I have also walked away in the middle of a conversation as well.

Why am I obsessed? Why can't I get him off my mind? Why do I crave to be near him?

Alice: I refuse to answer until cake and tea.

Is it pheromones? Is it love? Is it my way of handling the heartbreak?

Alice: Obsession is a state of mind that could be pleasant. It can be what you want it to be. It could change to obsession with white rabbits, the sky, wondering what a robin would taste like, how to draw a frog, or, better yet, cake and tea - if you please.

Thank you