Creative Compulsive Conundrum

It has been a struggle in the last year to remember why I write.

I kept on thinking, "I want to write, I want to write, I want to write." And I would, and the writing was fine, but not really me, and it felt like work. Should creativity feel like work? It certainly does take a certain amount of dedication, time, and energy, but so do hobbies and sports, and we do that for fun.

Finally, I remembered a wise quote from a wonderful man with charming smile lines and chronic low back pain, "You can want in one hand and poop in the other and see which one fills up first."

As it all turns out, wanting gets you nowhere.

Here is the conundrum. What am I doing? Do I want to be famous? Do I want accolades? Do I just want to feel like I lived on after I died? Am I trying to prove my worth, and this is my way of healing myself?

If I am completely honest, and I desperately hate being honest about all of this, I probably know.

What am I doing? Typing - I actually prefer writing with a fancy pen because I enjoy the feel of it on the paper. The paper can't be too smooth, because then it doesn't make the right sound. I type significantly faster unless I open my eyes too much and look at what I am writing, and then it is achingly slow because then it is like having the thought twice.

Do I want to be famous? Yes and no. It would feel validating, but I don't want to worry about death threats and creepy sexual advances. No, because then people would know about me. Yes, because then people would know about me. How can I be anonymous and famous? Is that a thing?

Do I want accolades? Yes. I do. But not too many. Enough to make it feel like someone else's life was improved even in the slightest way, but not so much that I feel like a cult leader. If people are going to know that I exist, it would be nice if they had a net benefit from the experience.

Do I want to feel like a part of me lived on after I died? Yes, but only if it brings joy. I don't want to live on and cause harm. That would feel like all the benefits of being a ghost with none of the upsides.

Am I trying to prove my self-worth? Subconsciously, probably. I feel fairly good about my value in general, even without the creative process, but it does feel healing to write. It can also feel good to see what the characters are going through and think to myself, "I have it pretty good as it all turns out."

Being famous, self-worth, accolades, and fame are not enough. Wanting is not enough.

Compulsion though. Compulsion might be enough. To know that what anyone thinks does not matter. It does not. I write because I must, and if it happens to make me money, that will probably make having a compulsion a bit easier at the end of the day (or it will at least pay for the therapy).

It does not matter that I have been heartbroken and lonely and that I have made 1,001 terrible decisions between last year and this (three a day is not a terrible average); I am simply a person with a compulsion.